Animal Jokes

One of the greatest gifts animals give is making us laugh. On the theory that silliness is highly under rated, we respectfully submit the following animal jokes for your review. We know that yours are even better, and invite you to share them.


Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work.

NASA recently launched several Holsteins into low earth orbit: it was the herd shot round the world.

What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk.

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

Why couldn’t the pony talk? He was a little horse.

A grasshopper went into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey we’ve got a drink named after you." The grasshopper said, "That’s funny, why would anyone want to name a drink Bob?"

A guy takes a gorilla out golfing. They come to the first tee and the gorilla asks, "What am I supposed to do?" The guy says, "You see that little round green spot about four hundred yards from here? You're supposed to hit the ball onto that." So the gorilla hauls off and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and it lands on the green. The man drives his ball and it goes a hundred and fifty yards, and he hits an iron shot and a second iron shot and he lands on the green, the gorilla following along behind him. They come to the green and the gorilla says, "What do I do now?" The man says "Now you hit it into that cup!" The gorilla says, "Why didn't you tell me that back there?"

Two guys were walking their dogs—one had a German Shepherd, and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar" And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. No one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartneder says, "Sorry—we don’t allow dogs in here." And the man says, "Its okay, it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua??"

This duck walks into a drug store and says, "Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

An international law firm advertises for a secretary, and a golden retriever comes in to apply. She passes the typing test, and in the interview, the personnel manager asks, "But how about foreign languages?" The golden retriever says, "Meow."

A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinctly black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A dog walked into an agent’s office and asked for a job. The agent thought, "A talking dog, I’ll get rich."
His secretary said, "Don’t be silly, dogs can’t talk."
"But I just heard him talking," said the agent.
"I told you, dogs can’t talk. It’s that wise guy cat of mine—she’s a ventriloquist."

The elephants and the bugs were having a game of football. First half, the elephants beat the bugs 40-0. In the second half, the bugs came back and beat the elephants 85-40. The elephant captain asked the bug captain, "What happened?" The bug captain said, "We put a centipede in the second half." The elephant captain asked, "Why didn’t you put him in the first half?" The reply, "He was putting on his shoes."

The leopard complained to his doctor, "Whenever I look at my wife I see spots." "Nothing to worry about," says the doctor. "But Doc, she's a zebra!"

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. Unique up on it.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Click here for answers by species.

How many border collies does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But then he will replace any wiring that is not up to code.

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see also:

Competition & Working Animals
Successful Treatment
Euthanasia & Saying Goodbye
Pet Memorials